Unclench

A recent study  concluded that young people today have less empathy than those in the recent past.  Considering how long "Christina and Ali" lasted on America's Got Talent, I find this surprising, but then maybe that was a sympathy issue, not empathy, although the two are closely related.  Or maybe the more empathetic oldsters were voting for them while the less empathetic youngsters voted for the Prince Poppycock, who knows?  [I was rooting for Michael Grimm since my extremely empathetic tendencies are not allowed to interfere with my music appreciation.  The name of the show is not "America's Got Sob Stories"]

I don't recall being very empathetic as a teen or young adult.  I tended to see things in black and white, right or wrong, rather than seeing the gray areas.  As I grew older, I became better able to put myself in the shoes of others and a new dimension to life opened up for me.  The way I see it, being empathetic leads to better understanding of others which facilitates acceptance which leads to less fearfulness and resentment which leads to a less stressful, happier life.

As an example, in 1996 when I first discovered the internet, I was under the influence of what I heard on the news and had a fear of Arab terrorists.  I became addicted to chatrooms and inevitably encountered people online from dozens of foreign countries, including the Middle East.  I avoided the Arabs, Pakistanis, and Indians at first, not trusting any of them, but I soon realized they weren't what I had prejudged them to be at all.  Once my barriers broke down, I accepted them (or rejected them) individually just as I would any person I met in my realtime life.  I found myself doing a complete turnaround and ended up becoming enamoured with Middle Eastern culture.  Even the tragedy of 9.11.2001 did not change this new attitude because I understood that the average Muslim in the Middle East is not preoccupied with hurting Americans.  One less fear, one more year to live--ok, I don't know this as a fact, but sounds reasonable, no? 

A little fear is normal and probably good to have to keep you on your toes, but a person who lets fear color his views and dictate his actions, is to be pitied.   These people have clenched fists, hearts, brains, and---ok, you know.  With everything clenched, there's no healthy flow going on. 

Besides alleviating fears, empathy is also good to develop because it reduces resentment.  You may look at someone getting special treatment, for example, and feel resentful, but have you first put yourself in their place?  Physically handicapped people get the coveted parking spaces and it's annoying when we're circling the parking lot for the third time, but really, would you want to be in their shoes?  When you're able to reduce resentment, you're another step closer to Happy.

Lastly, developing empathy, besides overcoming fears and resentment, may actually become a useful tool for you in personal relationships.  When you can empathize with others and better understand them, you can work better with them.  Don't be surprised if you find yourself liking people more than you used to.  I think you'll even like yourself more too as a result!

"I Got Nothing"

One conclusion I've come to within the past few years is that people tap out.  I didn't do extensive research, it's my own conclusion.  What do you think?

I first wondered about this as a music lover who appreciates songwriters more than musicians.  I'm sure you've noticed yourself that as a whole, our favorite musicians, many of whom are songwriters, simply don't come out with the great songs they were so prolific with early in their careers.  I'm not just talking about Three Hit Wonders. Even "superstars" like Elton John, Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson, Sting, Lionel Richie,  and Michael Jackson, who write/wrote much of their own material, haven't had memorable hits in the last decade.  Am I wrong?
 
Next I noticed that I was abandoning my favorite novel writers, one by one.  Where their early books brought me thrills, laughs, and joy that ended too soon, I noticed that a couple of writers were getting so tedious to read that I couldn't get past the first chapters.  Another author--I mercifully will not reveal any names--seemed to have a computerized "subsequent novels" template because she used the same lines and situations over and over in every book until it grated on my nerves.  Was it me?  I went to Amazon.com and looked up four of these "favorite authors" and was amazed--ok not really--to see that where their earlier books were getting close to 5 star ratings, their later books were each getting fewer and fewer stars, and the reader reviews expressed the same complaints I had.  Ah ha!  More evidence of tapping out!

And then there's the most personal evidence that people get tapped out: me!  When I first began my clothing craft business 19 years ago, designs simply poured out of me.  Where some clothing lines may have a few truly unique ideas per season, I produced literally dozens of designs in just a few years.  As the years passed, I had fewer and fewer new designs and even when I introduced something new, I noticed that the old designs outsold the new! 

So why am I providing evidence that younger people may be "better" than we seniors?  Don't we have enough going against us?  In reality, if you plan well in your youth, you'll find that you're much happier and better adjusted as a senior, even if you're "tapped out" in your field.  Sure it was exciting to be "flavor of the year" and it's always better to be a "has been" than a "never been," but for most, age brings the comfort of no longer having to keep sharpening the edge.

The message, therefore, is to make the most of whatever you excel in and don't assume there's a never ending source within you.  [This may sound negative, but it's not written in stone, in the same way that not everyone who smokes gets cancer.]  My point is to plan for the future even though you feel your creativity will support you forever.

And just because I may be tapped out of new clothing designs, does NOT mean I'm tapped out in every other creative genre.  I will now attempt to write some music! 

So You Think You Can Judge

Sometimes you think you know what you're looking at, but maybe, just maybe, you're wrong.  As you saw from the video above, a different "point of view" resulted in a totally different image.  This happens in everyday situations, too.  We see things happen and make snap judgments based on what we've learned in the past, or on what's been drummed into us by our families, friends, teachers, the media, etc.  

Say, for instance, you see a young man driving a gleaming, expensive car down the street.  You think, "Hmph!  Must be some rich spoiled brat. I hate guys like that! Damn it, wish I was born into a rich family, then I can cruise all day, too!"  Well guess what--no, he didn't steal the car--he's actually delivering a car he worked all day on detailing.  Oops! Kind of changes the picture, huh?

We've all made those misjudgments, but finally somewhere along your journey of life, you'll have that epiphany that maybe you have to take a little time to consider other perspectives before making a call. Yes, it does make decisions and judgments a little more difficult, but it also shows maturity and wisdom. It can also cut down on stress because you'll tend to be more understanding towards others. 

Seeing things in black and white can be harsh...being able to see the shades of gray in between softens the picture--and life--a great deal.

What Was He Thinking---and What's He Thinking Now?

In a chatroom long ago I had an argument with a 19-year-old who insisted that he'd never change his opinions.  Gosh I wish I could find that guy again.  Imagine a 33-year-old with the stagnant mind of a 19-year-old.  His handle was "BOSS" so obviously he thought he knew everything. 

At that time--14 years ago--I had no proof for my argument that his thinking would change, but since then there have been numerous studies done showing brain activity changes with maturity.  I don't think we ever needed scientific proof that old age changes the brain--insert "mental-pause" joke here--but these studies showed there are significant differences between teen and adult brain activity.  When you couple this fact with the experience you have to draw on as you get older, it'd be more difficult not to think differently.

I'm not saying that the changes will be drastic and immediately noticeable, since they happen over years and our attitudes are shaped by our culture, upbringing, friends, experiences, etc.  A son of a Nazi growing up along other Nazis is probably not going to suddenly become a flower child once he's 30, unfortunately, but still he won't have the same opinion on everything.  Maybe he'll decide chocolate is his new favorite flavor instead of vanilla, who knows?  There's hope, however, that by age 50 he'll have life experiences that will change his attitude.

Up until my early thirties things were pretty much black and white to me, too, although I wouldn't have gone so far as to declare that my opinions would never change.  I look back now and shake my head remembering judgments and decisions I made.  Making decisions seemed much easier in those days.  As I gained experience and knowledge over the years, all the different angles and outcomes have to be considered before I can make a decision.  Young people just "do it" without considering every consequence and they have the energy to carry out their often risky plans. 

Perhaps that is how it's meant to be and how mankind progresses.  The world probably would be a much different place if people were born with the wisdom and better judgment of the elders:  "Are you kidding, I'm not going to join Caesar's army and risk dying or coming home a paraplegic!" or "No Orville, I'm not getting into that flying contraption!"

So while there are a lot of bad decisions being made in our youth (deciding to smoke, trying meth "just once," letting a guy--or girl!--talk you into unprotected sex), thank goodness for that stage in life when we don't know enough not to attempt the impossible dream.  So keep trying the impossible, but beware of the possible.

And if you're 19 and don't believe me, please save this in your personal time capsule to open when you're 59.  I dare you!


   

Sorry, No Do-Overs

One thing I never thought about when I was young was how it's easier to change your life for the worse than the better.  You can easily ruin your life in a few seconds, but it's almost impossible to improve it to the same degree in even a few minutes.  Then once you've chosen that fast/easy/fun path, it could take years to fix and you end up working ten times harder!  It's a lot like the way it is with food: the majority of food that tastes the best is bad for us, yet fast/easy/fun to eat; then you have to work hard to undo the havoc it does to your body and health.  Damn.

I have no explanation as to why Life is this way.  I'm sure religious people would tell you that Life is meant to be a test for us (Losties will probably agree), but I wonder if it's not instead the reverse:  that Life came first, then came Society, which set up the complicated rules and invented the good-but-bad-for-ya stuff---like Krispy Kreme doughnuts, Frosted Flakes, and crack. 

Rather than look for the answers to life's mysteries, I think you'd be better off for now just accepting the fact and being aware that it just can take just seconds to drastically change your life. A few examples:

• Choosing to drive while drunk and getting into an accident
• Choosing to try anything addictive "just once"
• Choosing to have unprotected sex
• Choosing to cheat in any way 

These bad choices are sometimes not conscious decisions, but impulsive acts that took just minutes, if not seconds, whose consequences often last a whole lifetime.  More of these bad decisions are made by young people because they've lived less years and had less time to witness--in real life--what bad choices can do.  Perfectly understandable.  Of course there are a lot of older people who have very publicly made these bad choices, so obviously there is no age limit when it comes to catastrophic choices.

All you have to do is be aware that a second can change a lifetime with no second chance and I think you'll be more apt to take your time to make better choices and have a better life.  Simple!

What Becomes of the Brokenhearted?

What becomes of the brokenhearted? They get over it and so can you. I speak from experience...multiple experiences! You don't have to be a Buddhist to recover from a broken heart, but Buddhists believe in non-attachment and the transience of life, two concepts that I believe are essential for healing a broken heart. As a teen I didn't consciously take those teachings to heart while experiencing my various heartbreaks, but in retrospect maybe I subconsciously did, because I recovered relatively quickly. Sure there are tenacious souls who refuse to disengage themselves and face the reality of a lost love. It's sad that they waste their lives that way when they could move on and find happiness and fulfillment in a thousand other ways.

Here are some of my ideas that may help:

1) List down the heartbreaker's negative characteristics. Everyone has them! If you can't think of anything wrong with their character (aside from the fact that they don't want you), look further, for instance "His mother is controlling, she'd be a pain as a mother-in-law," or "He wants to become a famous basketball player and then he'll probably cheat on me." Dig deep! Believe me, there's always something. Nothing wrong with rationalizing when it comes to alleviating pain! After you look at your list, hopefully you'll feel lucky to have lost him.

2) Think of the time you're using mourning your "loss". Why let anyone have that much power over you and your time? There is so much you can be doing instead. I guarantee you if you spend too much time moping around, there will come a day when you'll be angry at yourself for wasting precious time. It can cost you your job if you're not focused, or if you're in school, turn your A into a C---there goes that college scholarship!

3) Being brokenhearted results in very real physical stress that affects your health. Again, you're giving too much control to another person---control that rightfully belongs to you.

4) For the "moving on" step you're about to do, think carefully--writing them down--about how you may want to improve yourself for the next relationship. What lessons did you learn from this broken relationship? There's no sense in moving on if you're going to make the same mistakes again such as looking for someone with the same personality as the heartbreaker's, or again acting possessively or jealously.

5) Change begins within you. No one should depend on another for happiness. We must each be independent, strong, and secure. This doesn't mean become a hermit; it's good to share happiness, but you are complete within yourself. Don't buy into the "he completes me" hype. If a person needs another to "complete" them, then it seems to me they're not much of a person on their own.

Unless you're one of those unfortunate few who insist on dwelling in the past, as early as a few months from now, but more likely in a year, you'll think "that was silly of me to think I was going to die without this person!" or in five years you'll think "OH...MY...GOD!!! What did I SEE in that guy/girl?!?!"

It's truly amazing how feelings change. You'll wonder if you're the same person and well, you're NOT. Same DNA, but true to the transiency of life, you're really not the same person because you're constantly growing. Cells die off and are being replaced, hormone levels fluctuate, etc. With each new experience, you're learning every day, and that changes your emotional/mental makeup. And soon, VOILA! The broken heart gets mended literally and figuratively!

Every single day you wake up, there's a NEW YOU, and that's what I call HOPE!

*Photo by Brian McCarty

Six Lessons in 30 TV Minutes

Last night for 30 minutes I was watching three shows at once: Anthony Bourdain, The Big Bang, and Behind the Scenes of the Bachelor.  Who said TV is a waste of time? Lessons can be learned from them all:

1) First lesson is that although I felt pretty smug about being able to watch three shows at once and getting the gist of all three, of course it left me wondering about the parts I missed.  Ah, so very like life itself.

I pretty much hate The Bachelor show now because it's just ridiculous, but I did have a curiosity about what they'd reveal in the 20/20 behind-the-scenes special. 

2) It bugs me that people criticized the bachelor (Brad Womack) who didn't choose a girl.  He was given 25 girls, but had to eliminate 10 after only a couple of hours so maybe "the one" was inadvertently eliminated the first night.  Out of the 15 that are left, we find from this "behind the scenes" show that some of the girls each season are chosen not because they fit the bachelor's checklist, but for the entertainment of the audience (for instance, they chose "drama queens" hoping for conflict)!  So this poor guy was supposed to find his life mate from maybe ten girls?!

So my second lesson is that even though you think you're watching reality TV, you're not.  Even "real" isn't necessarily real, so beware!

3) There's also a bad lesson here:  Our values are warped when we vilify someone for not lying just to satisfy our desire for a "happy ending." 
 
4) By the way, read my blogpost "What Becomes of the Brokenhearted?" because as much as I dislike her, I want to thank Melissa Rycroft for proving my point.  Yes!!  When she was "dumped" by Jake last season, she was devastated...and now she can't believe she even wanted him.  So yes, your blindness does tend to clear with time.  It's a miracle!

5) On the Anthony Bourdain "No Reservations" show, he visited China and ate grilled butterfly larvae and crispy crickets.  I was surprised to hear the comment, "Well if China rules the world in twenty years, at least it'll be FUN."  I never thought of China or Chinese as fun before, but took this as a lesson to start seriously thinking of what it'd be like if/when the U.S. weren't the world power.  For young people, it's a wake up call to get serious about having a life plan because you don't want to end up catching crickets for a living.  Ok, I'm kidding, I'm sure they don't catch them one by one, but you know what I mean.

And yes, there was also a life lesson to be learned on "The Big Bang"!  Sheldon wanted revenge on Wil Wheaton and since I had no idea who that was (yaaaay I'm not a nerd!!!) that's not the lesson. 

6) In the sub-plot, Howard demanded that Leonard ask Penny to find him a girl and they all had a double date.  Things didn't look good because the fixed-up couple had no interests in common.  It ended nicely, though, because they discovered that they both had unbearably controlling mothers--one Jewish and the other Catholic--and now had a common goal: to flaunt their relationship to upset their moms.  The lesson here is that perhaps mothers shouldn't smother!  Maybe we should hope for World Smothering because perhaps it will eventually lead to World Peace as all children marry out of their religions.  *Plugging ears so as not to hear the backlash while humming John Lennon's "Imagine"*

Happy Birthday?

Today is Oprah's birthday---also Adam Lambert's and Tom Selleck's--- and by the way, it's mine too.  I always considered it very cool that I was born on the very same day Oprah was born....until today, that is. You see, years ago when I first discovered we were born on the same day, I had this fantasy that I'd get invited to her birthday party on TV. Yesterday I discovered that today's show will indeed have an audience of people who have Jan. 29th birthdays. Yikes! How did I not hear of this opportunity? So instead of feeling happy on my birthday, I admit I feel a bit sad and envious. This means I'm having to work on my birthday---work at trying not to feel bad feelings on my birthday.

Too bad there's no product to instantly remove these negative feelings, like those Tide stain removal pens. Ok, sure I could make myself some margaritas I guess, but aside from drugs and alcohol, I mean. [Actually I'm eating chocolate right now as I write this.] Judging from some of the comments I saw on the Oprah message boards, I'm not alone in feeling like I missed the boat, there were quite a few other 29thers who also missed the invitation for tickets. I think we're all wondering what birthday gifts she'll give the audience. An ipod or camera, ok, I can live without...especially since I have those already...but I need a new car.

I'm sure you all have had feelings of missing some once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It could be as trivial as this one, or major like others I've had. How we choose to console ourselves is really more important and indicative of how successful we are at acceptance and adapting. Missing an opportunity gives you yet another opportunity: to prove your strength or crumble.

I'm not sure what eating a box of chocolate qualifies as, strength or crumbling?  I suppose it depends on the quantity of chocolates eaten.

Meanwhile, against my better judgment, I will watch the show anyway---assuming my chocolates don't run out---and try to be strong no matter what she gives her audience. Hopefully she'll give them a trip to Hawaii.

If It's Not One Thing It's Another...Or Is It?

All you have to do is read "Dear Abby's" column for a week to realize that people are simply not satisfied.  Sure, many of the letters written to Dear Abby pertain to serious problems, but what about those letters from happily married husbands who are worrying about boyfriends their wives had 20 years ago?  Or couples who are arguing about leaving the shower curtain open or closed?  [These two letters really did appear in the paper yesterday.]

As Gilda Radner's character "Roseanne Roseannadanna" would say, "It's always something!  If it's not one thing, it's another..."  If it's not getting fired and not being able to pay your rent, it's forgetting your coupons in your other purse and not saving 15 cents on that box of Ziploc bags. 

You may be stressing out today about a very serious problem, but rest assured that someone down the street feels just as bad about their TiVo not recording "Grey's Anatomy".  Scary, but true.  People love drama and I'm not referring to the TiVo'ed ones.

When you learn what is truly worth agonizing over and what is trivial, you've made progress towards a happier you.  You can always get your drama fix on TV instead.